previousnext Thursday, Mar. 30, 2006 -- 11:47 p.m.
currently listening to: "vapour trail" - ride
the ocean looks like a vast desert covered in blue sand when you're flying. 30,000 feet above water and it all seems completely still. but that isn't really true. the ocean is this giant, living and breathing force of nature that keeps moving. it's life and it keeps moving. life doesn't wait for anyone and neither does time. they're like these two opposing forces that you can't fight against at all. it's scary when you finally realize that fact at the same point in time when you also realize just how little control you have over your own life. you don't choose who you fall in love with. you just do. and when you do, you never think about what it all entails. you work hard at it, trying to make everything work. it's exhausting but you want to keep believing it's worth it; he's worth it. and so, after what seemed like the promise of love comes heart break, puffy eyes, and a trash can full of scrunched up tissues. and for what? i was an obligation. this is the kind of story that isn't told in those hollywood romance movies. it's the kind you don't wish to acknowledge. it's the kind where you're still blindly and stupidly caught in love 500 miles apart. it's the kind that's real, and that's what's so fucking sad about it all.
i've spent the past three years waiting. two years of a friendship tango, too afraid to admit any feelings at all. and then, almost one and a half years of an actual relationship. and now, i'm losing my only support system, best friend, and love. it's a lot like trying to hold water in your hands; it always falls out. no matter how hard you try to keep it there, it always manages to slip through the cracks of your fingers. it's going to be lonely.
