currently listening to: "insomnia" - electric president
if i've ever said that i wasn't self conscious, then that was a huge lie. last friday, i went out to dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday at the cheesecake factory. i ran out the door of the house, locked it, and drove my mom, sisters, and i to the mall. as i walked down the stairs of the parking garage, i gasped when i saw my feet. on my left was my bright-ass teal-colored puma shoe, and on my right was my little sister's white nike running shoes. i had mismatched shoes on. the saddest thing about it all is that it's so typical of me. i was bound to mess up completely with my shoes, and the next time i mess up, i'll probably forget to put pants on or something. or worse yet, i'll just show up naked. embarrassment struck and i turned so red that you could probably fry an egg my face and it would be fully cooked and ready to eat. my mom and sisters laughed at me, and attempted to reassure me that it wasn't noticeable at all. "oh well if you're walking around, no one will look at your shoes.." uh yeah, right. i have this sneaking suspicion that if there is such a thing as some holy higher being, then this holy higher being has probably meant for me to experience non-stop embarrassing moments.
i refused to walk around with mismatched shoes so i walked as fast as i could to find the nearest store with decently-priced flip flops. unfortunately, speed-walking was a bad idea. i drew more attention to myself as i flustered my arms about and attempted to refrain from laughing at myself. i'm bad at keeping low-key. no one had looked down just yet, until this one man gave me the typical (and unfortunate) once-over. he looked at my face and i watched his eyes move down from there. i kept thinking, "not the shoes, please not the shoes!" and then he looked at the shoes, and then at me again. i smiled and kept walking as if i meant to wear mismatched shoes. i smiled as if it were a new fashion statement and i was a fashionista in my every right. my smile immediately turned into a nervous frown. i spotted american eagle, dashed in, grabbed a few size 6 flip flops, tried them on, and bought a pair in a matter of three minutes.
at the restaurant, a woman slammed open the door of my bathroom stall. there i was, pants down to my knees, sitting on a toilet and supposedly relieving myself of piss until a woman barged in. i thought i locked the door, and apparently the lock was busted. more disturbing embarrassment (although probably more on her part, it was still bad.)
my design professor beats us up. i mean, with his words, anyway. not literally. but it's almost enough to want to make you want to cry and hug your knees, rock back and forth while singing REM's "everybody hurts."
things fall apart. i read that book in high school, things fall apart, by chinua achebe (i think). i didn't like that book. nobody likes it when things fall apart. it's just sad. but things could/should get better, and i really hope they will. i have my fingers crossed. in three weeks i will be flying down to san diego with the goals of settling the unsettled mess. call it a bittersweet vacation of sorts.
with the powerbook, you have the option of setting up stickies/digital post-it-notes. i use my stickies as a to do list. the only thing that has been written there for a whole week without being deleted is, "crawl into a hole and die." mmhm, story of my life. pssst.. it's a new layout.
