currently listening to: "chicago" - sufjan stevens
it's been 56 days since my last post. where to even begin? an overwhelming number of things have happened since my last entries. i suppose i can only describe these events as bittersweet as it was a roller coaster of ups and downs. this is why i should write more often because now i'm learning my lesson of not writing regularly and missing out on accounting my exact thoughts during those exact moments.
in the past week alone, my rabbit, ginger, passed away. in the past week, i turned down an internship with hallmark in kansas city after being selected out of 450 applicants nationwide. in the past week, i've had more work-related drama than i've ever had to deal with. and in the past week, i decided that what i really needed was a vacation from everything.
we buried ginger at the park. out of no where, she became terribly ill and couldn't hold on long enough for us to find a vet to get her treated. that monday, her body was more frail and small than i've ever seen her. my sisters cried the hardest. i couldn't bring myself to tears as immediately as i thought i would with deaths. i guess i was too stunned for any tears to fall. she's buried beneath a pine tree, and hopefully in a better place.
so why are these things all bittersweet? because i'm learning to adapt and to accept. i don't know if this all makes sense, but somehow it does to me. i gave up the hallmark internship because i became terrified of notion of re-locating to somewhere so far away from everything i've ever known. and perhaps, my heart just wasn't in it enough to go that far. sounds like chicken shit maybe, but i guess my real biggest fear was disappointing everyone by not taking it. i felt and still feel as if everyone expected me to do it. and as ridiculous as it sounds, i felt as if i had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and i just didn't want to carry it anymore.
i think i've come to many revelations lately, and it's been overwhelming because it is so frightening to realize things that i didn't think about before. and to have others analyze me, freaks me out even more. i guess i don't like having others figure me out, when i hardly have myself figured out. what is this fear that i have? fear of change? fear of not going out to see the world? i don't know. i change my outfits pretty quickly, though. i'll go through 4 or 5 different outfits on any given day, only to go back to my original outfit that i had picked out the night before. what's wrong with me? this is normal, right? when people tell me to try a new route home, i'm not always eager to take it. i'm hesitant about trying those new things, and stick to the old ways that i know best. what does this say about me? that i'll wear the same dingy outfits over and over again and take the same pathways home because that's what i'm most comfortable with? surely, this can't be the right way to be living. but i've been doing this for years, and if it seems to be working for me.. then surely this can't be entirely wrong. i suppose i need to learn to break out of my shell, but i'm not ready yet. maybe in a different time of my life, because now is not the time. i don't regret my decision, and while i am mostly unsure about many decisions in my life, i think i am pretty sure about this one.
pardon all the delusional crap, but it appears that i am going through a pre-quarter life crisis, as i am not even 25 yet. this will all blow over sooner than later. i'm going to wake up tomorrow and attempt to re-read this entry, only to want to delete it. but i'll try not to and keep it up for the sake of actually having an update for the month of april. april hasn't been terribly unkind but like with everything else, it could have been better.
